You are Just Not Good Enough

You are Just Not Good Enough

“You want to be liked.”
“You are a hugger.”
“You just don’t care.”
“You feel nothing.”

I heard these words often enough to actually believe it, question if it was true and agree that it was my fault when it all went wrong.

It’s 03:50 in the morning, I am lying in the bath as I prepare to get ready for the day ahead. The first thing that comes to my mind is ‘Why am I doing this to myself?’ I am exhausted as I only went to bed at 23:45 the previous evening. I am drained, tired of living in fear, tired of being stressed and anxious, tired of crying myself to sleep at night. I’ve lost weight and not in the healthy sense and my collar bones have never stuck out before the way that they do. Will this person be in a good mood today? Please let them be in a good mood. Why have I allowed them to have so much control over me? Why? Please can the noise stop! Please can the guilt, regret, tears, and pain just stop!

GET OUT!
As the day went by, something a friend said to me replayed in my head from a while back. “Get out, before that individual breaks you! Get the hell out!”
Me: No, I can do this! I will prove to that person that I belong, that I can do it, that they are wrong about me!

Later that afternoon I was walking around anxiously and my friends’ words “Get out” was clear in my mind. I looked in the mirror and all I could see in my eyes was pain and sadness. When I smiled, it looked so fake, I simply could not pretend anymore. It was time to stop holding on and walk away.

I wish that I could tell you that this is a scene out of a movie, but this is what was happening in my life over a year ago. I fought, held on and tried to make something work that cost me my mental, emotional, spiritual and physical health. Mentally, if this is what prison is like, then I was in a mental jail. I thought that if I had walked away sooner, that I would lose everything and people would walk away, judge me and want nothing to do with me.

So why did I keep this person in my life and where did it all start to go wrong?
To be honest, despite all the sh*t that I was going through, I still valued this individual and thought it would pass and that it was just a phase or something. It started off with manipulation and guilt, and because I was never a confrontational person, I never put up a fight. I just wanted this person to be proud of me, no matter what it took. I wanted their appreciation and for them to value me and all that I did. It was never enough, and my mistakes were highlighted, used as an example, and repeated often. Soon the promises/threats or facts would arise, and the insults just got worse and more frequent. I got to a point when I would just stare at them while they were saying these things to me, because anything that I said to try and defend myself would seem pointless or would just be thrown back in my face with an example of my mistakes of the past and how they were affecting this person’s image negatively. I felt completely numb during these confrontations from their side (yes, not conversations.) Strange enough, this person was a firm believer in showing kindness to others, I just didn’t know that I was excluded from that fact.

That was one year ago.

Yes, this all happened over one year ago, and it’s taken me 12 months to finally speak out and share just some of the pain that I was going through. However, even though this ended a year ago, my journey to healing only just began. It took me 5 months to grasp “normal life.” I felt like the prison door had finally opened and I walked out, feeling free, but now I had to start over…again. The healing process included dissecting all that went wrong, what was apparently my fault and me wondering if only I did better here and did better there, maybe it would have turned out differently. I still cried for a while, trying to understand and make sense of it all. I had to learn to appreciate myself and life again. I started picking up some weight, going out with friends and opening up to my goals and dreams again. Most importantly in the first 5 months, I learned to forgive that individual without hearing the words…I am sorry, or I apologise. I also learned to forgive myself for all that I blamed myself for and for not listening and walking away sooner.

Where am I now?
Well, I am now an Entrepreneur and Director of my own company Phoenix Media, I am focusing on my self-development, blogging again and just enjoying the journey of discovering what life has to offer. I no longer carry that pain and I carry no resentment or anger towards that person. I am not afraid to ask for help and to make mistakes, as that is the only way to learn and grow in wisdom. I appreciate all the small things even more; calls with friends, chats with mom, walks in the garden and even meeting new people online when networking and chatting to new or potential clients. This whole experience opened my eyes to appreciating my self-worth and setting boundaries. I miss hugs and will be hugging my family, friends and those who support me often when it is safe to do so. No, I don’t want to be liked, but I want to love and be loved by the amazing people who are in my life. I was never alone this whole time as the Lord was always by my side and my faith in him has never been stronger.

Why am I sharing my story?
I am sharing this story with you, because over a year ago, I did not see outside of my circumstances and the situation. If you are going through something similar or worse or know of someone who is, then please know this:

  • You are good enough!
  • You are stronger than you think!
  • You can get out!
  • Ask for help! Speak to someone you can trust outside of the situation and get out!
  • It is okay to walk away from anything or anyone who hurts you or causes you to doubt yourself!
  • Set boundaries.
  • There are people who do and will love you for who you are.
  • Have faith!
  • Trust your gut and the red flags.

Be it a friendship, relationship, business relationship or colleague, no one should make you feel bad about yourself, make you question yourself, hurt and manipulate you or use you for their own gain. You have a right to say no, disagree or walk away from situations that harm you. Let no one discourage you or make you feel less than you are. You deserve better!


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My Year of Becoming

My Year of Becoming

Moneeloa Chaane is a 36-year-old mother of 3 and is married to Thabiso Chaane. She is a Self-leadership Coach with a specific love for family development. She teaches effective communication skills for relationship building in the home, between the parent and child as well as between couples. She shares the journey with the parents/couples who are on a coaching journey, where through the process she shares consciousness and self-leadership tools that further empower their self-character. When Moneeloa is not doing what she loves as a coach, she is sharing her journey as a Mrs South Africa semi-finalist. I had the privilege of interviewing this phenomenal woman and now I get to share her story.

Please could you tell us more about Self-leadership.

Self-Leadership is built on the principle that success starts with knowing oneself, being able to generate clarity on what resonates and does not, the vision, mission, values and principles one stands for, mastering being in alignment, being able to effectively communicate these to others and being able to meet your most important needs. At the centre of it, building a healthy relationship with yourself and with others, being aware and mindful of your impact on others. My mission is to bring self-leadership to families. For couples and parents to be intentional about knowing themselves as a family, their family vision, value, principles, and their relationship. To respect and support meeting each other’s most important needs. I wish for family structures to experience less disconnect, less anxiety and resentment amongst each other and most of all more fulfilment in marriage and parent-child relationships. I wish to teach this to our youth as a key foundation to creating their own lives.

What inspired me to go into coaching was finally deciding to respond to my heart’s prompting that I have lived with for years, that I am meant to be in the humanities field of work, teaching and empowering people. It was really about taking that step out and the rest in terms of how I am meant to serve in this field is unfolding as my journey unfolds.

What inspired you to enter the Mrs South Africa 2021 pageant?

After some time of feeling discontentment, doubt in myself and really feeling insecure about my vision, fear and drown in the pressures and pains of life, I decided on this year to be the year of getting up, pulling myself together and doing it. My year of becoming, both in myself and in my business. I then decided to enter the Mrs South Africa pageant as I really wanted to step out and step out big. I wanted my business to be known and I wanted my vision and my mission to be known.

My Year of Becoming

Have you always wanted to enter the Mrs South Africa pageant, or have you entered previous pageants? How far did you go in the pageant?

The only pageant I have ever done was back in high school, winning Miss Millennium College. I had a wish to enter Miss Jam Alley back in the days and have always held a wish in me, even today to walk a Mercedes Benz fashion show. Entering Mrs SA was me saying you know what, I’ve always wished to be on a stage and this it, I am going for it.

What are your goals and aspirations that you would like to achieve in the Mrs South Africa 2021 pageant?

By being in this journey I wish to inspire:

  1. The youth to know that life starts with a desire, a dream and that is what will keep them awake to who they are and are going to be. It will keep them awake to being intentional creators of their own lives. I wish to inspire them to Dream, to SEE themselves, connect with the rhythm of their souls and dare to Be it. To go for it.
  2. To raise the volume on the message that we are developers and shapers of society, and we do so in how we parent and do family. I wish to drive my vision to help families shift how they experience each other by shifting how they communicate.
  3. I wish to be known for the vision I stand for.

What are you passionate about in life?

I am passionate about my growth, to actualise and experience the highest, truest version of myself and to always be true to my soul.

Do you have a role model or who is your greatest motivator in life to achieve your goals?

I don’t have one role model that I can say I intentionally follow, that’s my greatest motivator to achieve my dreams. Dare I say my desire to succeed and realise the powerhouse inside me is my greatest motivator.

There are people that have touched and inspired me and who I have looked up to in my journey such as Lisa Nichols, Valorie Button, Khanyi Dlomo and one that I would like to intentionally choose model after is Zamakhize Mkhize.

What/who keeps you going through challenging times?

  1. Keeping the principle “All things work out for my good” alive in me.
  2. Prayer, meditation, and coaching (talk it all out).
  3. Hiking and dance sessions with my kids.
  4. Mirror work – spend time with me.
My Year of Becoming

Do you have a self-care routine/what do you do to keep your cup full or to keep you grounded?

Oh, I have quite a number of things I love for my self-care:

  1. I love Time to Think with Sibylle Sharon – I never miss her monthly Thinking Time for Women sessions; it always leaves me feeling light in my head and renewed in my motivation.
  2. I discovered that I looove facials thanks to Netsense Beauty Spa, they have introduced me to doing facials and I absolutely love it.
  3. Trauma Release Exercise (TRE) with Jade Coaching.
  4. Mirror work
  5. Engaging with like-minded people (monthly Creative Consciousness trainings- absolutely fill me up).

Do you have any advice to those who would like to enter a pageant like Mrs South Africa?

Your why will be your best asset throughout the journey. Be asserted in your why and carve out your own experience.

Do you have any hobbies? I love Hiking

Where can we vote for you to get you to the next round?

To vote you can sms “Moneeloa Chaane” to 35959
10x smses per person make a huge difference.

Do you have any charities that you support? If yes, please name them and why you support them?

I am a monthly donor to Unicef because of its alignment to passion for driving positive child development through educating and supporting parents and family development. Through this journey I have registered a foundation that will be focused on youth self-leadership development.

Thank you to Moneeloa Chaane for sharing her inspiring story. Please follow her on Facebook and Instagram, as well as connect with her on Foundations and Bonds Coaching and Skills Development Facebook and Instagram pages.

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